I read
a post today written by someone who was seemingly deeply deeply sincere in her
desire to help. She seems to have put her heart as deeply into the soul tearing
pain of others as someone who is not being buried by the avalanche can. I imagine
her words touched deep places that desperately need to be acknowledged in some
very broken people. A few short years ago they would have pulled a river of
tears from my eyes but no more.
She
spoke of forgiveness. She spoke of the healing power of God’s forgiveness, of
the sacrifice of Jesus’ blood, of the human inability to right our own wrongs
or forgive our own sins…
What
if I’m not the one who needs forgiveness?
Yeah,
you might want to stop reading now.
What
if this time I’m the one who would have to forgive? Yeah, I said it. It’s what’s
in my head, what’s tearing at the walls of my shattered heart.
This
isn’t my only issue with God, with faith, with Christianity. I have some
serious foundational questions but I won’t get into those here. Here I will
drop this bomb. What if I can’t forgive God
for what he has done to me?
Here’s
the thing. The way I see it (and this is only my perspective and by no means
the whole story) there are three possibilities.
1. God doesn’t exist; therefore,
there was no one on the receiving end of my agonized, desperate prayers for my son.
2. God is weak, he was there but
he couldn’t do anything to save my child.
3. God purposely and knowingly
allowed Damon to die, despite my trust, despite my cries.
Quite honestly,
I’m not sure which it is and I’m not sure I want to be in league with any of
the above. But if he is who I have long believed him to be, if he was there on
the floor with me every morning and every evening while we discussed everything
from dinner plans to deep wounds. If I wasn’t just conjuring a presence I
desperately wanted to be real then it is number 3. Number 3 requires
forgiveness. Not from him, from me.
Undoubtedly
others have felt this way. It’s irreverent, it’s certainly not “religious” but
it’s true.
If I manage to sort my way through 1 & 2,
and apparently I think I will, then that leaves me with the question of can I
and will I forgive?
I don’t
know…
I don’t
know.
Jodie,
ReplyDeleteI have no words. I'd love to give you some insight that would somehow ease the pain of the unimaginable, but of course I don't have those words. I just want you to know, that I still read your posts, I still ache with you, I haven't forgotten Damon even though I never met him. Whenever I wear orange, I think of him, and of you. I don't have words, but I do remember.
~Jennifer
Oh yes. Oh yes oh yes. I have felt this, I have come up with the same three possibilities (well, not number one for me, but the other two, certainly) For a long time, I settled on option 2, as that sat easier with me....allowed me to continue on in a relationship with God. But I knew in my heart it just wasn't true, God can do anything right? And he chose not to help my son either. And that is hard, really hard. I have just finished a book called the Shack, by WM Paul Young. In some ways it helped me, in others it didn't, but it has got me thinking. May be worth a look x
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