I
spent a long time not crying, barely feeling, just moving. Then I cried. I
cried and cried and cried. I’ve been leaking for days now. Leaking and raging.
Raging and biting and snarling at everything in biting range.
Last night
as another volley of poisonous thoughts rammed through my consciousness I
realized something. I’m angry. I’m burning alive with it.
I’m
resentful angry. I’m jealous angry. I’m pour pitiful me angry. I’m sick with
anger.
And I have
every right to be.
I have
every right to be angry. If any time in my life I have ever had the right to be
angry it is now. Life sucks. It’s not fair. I’m so tired of watching everyone
else raise their children, celebrate birthdays, smile, and have entire days, or
hell weeks, untouched by sorrow.
I’m
tired of being one huge walking bruise. I’m tired of being hurt so easily. I’m
tired of aching to be included then running scared from people. I’m angry and
even scarier, I’m bitter.
I’m
bitter.
Ugh…
which means I have another blasted choice to make. I have every right to be
angry. I want to rage and mope and scream and cuss. But I don’t want to be
consumed. I want to heal. I want to find a balance. I want to reclaim beauty and
peace and life. I don’t get to have both. F-word.
I’m
not saying anger isn’t ok, or natural, or even healthy. It is. I’m saying this particular
all consuming, this is who I am anger has to be rejected or it will become my
god. Quite frankly I don’t know if I can do it.
I have
every right to be angry. That I know. What I don’t know is if I have a right to
be anything else. Do I have the right to be happy? Am I even capable of such a
thing? If I turn from the burning anger am I somehow saying this is ok? Am I
saying my child being ripped from me is ok with me if I smile or learn to
celebrate life again?
It’s
easy for someone who’s never done it to say no. It feels like a betrayal.
People would say things like “What would Damon want?” You have no idea what
Damon would want. Damon wanted to be held and eat popcorn and poop in the
bathtub. This isn’t on him. This is on me.
Yet another
realization with an unanswered question.
And the pain never ends…
Until
next time.
This post resonates with me because I feel like I'm in exactly the same place right now. Anger. Overwhelming amounts of it that bubble up over the surface and make me seem like a crazy person. Such anger that invades my thoughts and actions and relationships. And I know I need to make a choice, but it feels like if I make that choice, I have to leave my boy behind. And I will never do that.
ReplyDeleteI get this too. I have read many posts from women "choosing life, choosing happy" etc...I am not convinced. I think, as you say, it's a balance, between feeling the anger and grief that you need to feel, but also enjoying the good in life. Appreciating the happy moments are not a betrayal of Damon, though I know it feels that way. I try to see it as me showing Bertie the mum I was going to be for him. I try to share with him all the things I would have done were he here. It's hard.
ReplyDelete