A few nights ago the four of us spent hours playing in chocolate and caramel, eating way more than was advisable, making bake sale items for the eldest's school. It was the topper to a pretty great day, all things considered. After we got the kids in bed Will and I huddled on the couch and cried. We ache for out little blue eyed dancing baby, every minute, every day.
I had a very honest conversation with a new friend a few days ago. Once I convinced her that I was not on the verge of taking my life, just being a great deal more honest than most people ever see, I told her that I was surprised that she was so willing to talk with me about Damon, about pain, about how I am "still" not ok, ever. Most people avoid either me, or my pain, with everything they have. She responded "People don't want to believe something like that can happen." It's true, but it does. It happens every day. Even more so I think people don't want to believe it never heals, but it doesn't, not ever.
It seems that we are told, and we tell others, that we should not need each other, that we should not need other's approval or permission to be... whatever or wherever we are. I don't think that is true. I think it would be nice but it is utterly unrealistic. We need each other. This person said something to be in complete honesty that has repeated itself over and over and over. She said "with what you have been through I can't imagine not questioning everything." She is a devout believer but she didn't gasp in horror when she learned that I'm fast finding faith more and more untenable. She didn't lecture me either and most unusual, she didn't turn away and decide that she doesn't want me in her life. She just said ok.
In the course of this conversation she pointed out to me that I have completely shut myself down. I've stopped searching, stopped exploring, stopped researching. She is right, I have. I've shut myself down. I've done this partially out of exhaustion. It takes so much energy just to move, just to swim against the tide of pain, depression, and loss that often all I can do is breathe. But I think the deepest reason I stopped is because I was afraid. I am afraid. I'm afraid of where my exploration is leading. I've already lost so much, what if I reach certainty? What if I can't find any handholds in faith. What if everything I've believed my whole life is a lie? This is where I'm headed, fast.
But... crouching on the floor in fear wont make it stop. It wont make my life go back to the happiness and peace of two and a half years ago. I have to find the courage to keep exploring... no matter where it leads.
This new friend, this believer, gave me room to do that.
So, I guess this leads to my first post about my "issues" with faith, or maybe this one is the faith based community. There is no place for someone who doubts. There is no place for someone who questions. There is no welcome for the cynic, the skeptic, the angry, the fearful. As I said, I don't know where this exploration will lead but if there is no place for me to work this out within a community of faith, where will I go? If the church expels (by either environment, exclusion, awkward silences, withdrawn friendships, or downright expulsion) those who are the most wounded what do you think will happen to them? Where will they turn?
We need each other... why do those of us who need the community the most end up standing on the outside?
Until next time...
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