Platitudes?

This is real. So what am I going to do about it? I don’t know yet… but living in utter despair and defeat isn’t an option.

Will and I were talking this morning about the likely perception that we are “getting better” or “getting over it” which is completely untrue. Neither of us hurt any less, neither of us are any more “ok” or any less devastated but it’s like we’re learning to carry the pain and function within it, or around it, or inside it. I’m not sure which, maybe all three.

I remember reading about this. Sittser discusses the phenomenon in “A Grace Disguised.” He describes it as the expanding of the soul. I think of it as developing new muscles to carry in gargantuan weight. The weight is no less present, we’re just getting stronger. Ugh… did I just say that? Did I just say that what didn’t kill us is making us stronger… please tell me I didn’t. I may have to slap myself. Bleh… or as my friend says blerg… I think I like that one better.

I’ve been thinking about something my sweet sister said several weeks ago. It was something like “there’s no prescription in the bible for grief because we each have to do it our own way.” I’ve been searching the Word for a prescription, for a “how to” of surviving/understanding/not-losing-your-minding. There isn’t one… not like I was hoping for anyway.

Proverbs 14:10 says “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”

It occurs to me that the reason I can’t find the manual is because there isn’t one. How many parents have joked that it would be nice if our children came with an owner’s manual? Each child of God is deeply and completely unique. The only way for me to know how to do this is to consult my Creator.

No two of us experience anything the same way, let alone the most devastating experience of our lives. Will and I are certainly evidence of that. We have not “done” a single second of this the same or even similarly if we’re being honest.

That’s not to say that God leaves me with no direction, though I feel that way, often. When I am willing to listen (and I admittedly often am not) He is willing to direct. I’m amazed by how His Word is alive and active. How He spoke powerfully to me today out of both the Old Testament book of Daniel and the New Testament book of Revelation.

For me, at least at this point, the great struggle is whether or not I want Him near. Not whether or not He is willing to be near.