wanna go home

It was nearly 5pm when I forced myself from the covers today. I’d lain there and cried all day. Literally, all day, I cried. I cried angry. I cried torn. I moaned and wailed. Broken pieces of half a conversation penetrated the air like pieces flying glass, my half, a never ending whirlwind of questions. Why? Why? Why?

I miss him with an aching agony I cannot describe. I want him back!

I worked up the courage to look at a picture today, after I had dragged myself from bed. Will ordered several pictures of Damon, at my request, some time ago. The envelope sat on the counter for a week. My heart clenched every time I passed it. The images that I knew were inside swam in my mind. I literally see Damon everywhere but pictures, pictures rend new holes in my soul. I remember that, I think. He’s alive in my memory. He’s in my arms in my memory. A few seconds after I took this I scooped him and kissed him… no more. The pain is unbearable. Will it ever stop getting worse?

The picture is one of my favorites. Isaiah is blowing a dandelion and Damon is running toward him, aglow, giggling, happy… alive. I want to die.

Will I ever not want to die?

I had to have surgery this week. It was ‘minor’ but I had to be fully sedated and cut open… so not so minor. Will and I approached the day with marked sobriety. Nothing is minor. We knew I could die. Granted, I could die anytime but that reality is strikingly more apparent under sedation with your belly cut open.

My husband was scared and I was scared for him. I thought about how I would feel… I sat on my front porch at 4am the morning of my surgery and asked God not to take me home that day. That was painful but the idea of the pain my passing would inflict on my man and my son was more than I could bear.

I thought that moment marked some sort of turn in my heart. I realized I needed to live and actually asked God to preserve my earthly life. I thought the desperate desire for death would be behind me. I was wrong. Today, I just want to die.

The black just keeps getting blacker. I see everything through a veil of excruciating pain. I lay in my bed today staring at the window, unable to comprehend the sunlight. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s a mockery. It doesn’t warm me or brighten the choking darkness. It lights everyone else’s lives… just not mine. 

Damon, I miss you. What are you doing my baby? Does Jesus cart you around on His regal hip? Who cuddles you if your mommy is not there? I don’t know how to live without you… will I ever figure it out? I’m so anxious to be home with you. I miss you, my love. I miss you.

I wanna go home.