Hello world

Hello world…

Today I went to the grocery store. I went to the grocery store by myself. I went to the grocery store by myself, got everything on my list and did not have a panic attack. On the way home with a trunk full of groceries I cried. Not the hysterical sobbing, aching cry but I sort of relieved cry. I felt the bindings loosen a little today, maybe a small piece of the ten thousand ton weight fell from my heart, a shard of shrapnel was removed.

I’m writing this because it’s happening now and someone needs to know or someone will. When I read books about grief the words are rounded and smoothed by healing, years of healing. I’m in it now, right now. Nothing is smoothed, nothing is rounded, everything is jagged.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My trauma was the death of my amazing son. A dear friend, someone I respect a treasure said to me recently “People need to know about this!” I had no idea PTSD could be induced by the death of a child and for a long time I had no idea my symptoms were not “just grief.”

My (very simplified) understanding of PTSD goes something like this. My mind absolutely could not process Damon’s death so it completely shut down when it started to wake up again it partitioned the trauma into its own space in my head. Because my brain has partitioned itself nothing works correctly and everything is misfiring…

So, here is what PTSD is like for me.

I can’t remember Damon’s death without being there, without reliving it. It’s like being shoved into a pensieve and not being about to get out, not even knowing you could get out, not knowing what you are in is a memory. It’s happening again, except this time I know how it ends. This, I am told, is a key characteristic of PTSD.

I cannot function in the “normal” world. Unexpected changes in my day produce panic attacks. Crowds produce panic attacks and early on not knowing where Will was (if he went around a corner or went out of my sight) would produce panic attacks. Loud noises, multiple people talking to me at once, virtually anything that causes stress or confusion brings on a panic attack. What is a panic attack? For me it feels like the world is going dark, everything closes off, my heart rate sky rockets, my breathing becomes rapid, I sweat buckets, I can’t see well and I definitely can’t think.

Nightmares & flash backs– relatively self explanatory and I’m not up for going into it.

My precious friend wanted to know how she can help someone she loves who she thinks may be experiencing PTSD. My first response was “you can’t.” That’s partially true, there’s very little anyone can do outside of a competent therapist but then I amended. How can you help? Get over the idea that this is something a person with this disorder can want their way out of. I cannot control my panic attacks. I cannot control my flashbacks. I cannot stop the nightmares. I cannot force myself to do anything and the harder I try the worse it gets. Everyone is different but the thing I need most from the person I love the dearest is understanding. Understanding, space and time to do the grief work as I’m ready. I need my beloved to understand that I don’t want to be like this. My brain is screwed up. It will take a lot of time and a lot of work to heal the shattered parts. 

  

I don’t know when I’ll write again. I’m feeling very withdrawn. I very much want to be alone, to be isolated. Maybe because I’m slowly slowly exposing my wounds but my friend’s words struck a chord with me and I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know a little of what it’s like. I want you to know how to help if you’re the helper and I want you to get help if you’re the shattered. Until next time…