That rant you've been waiting for

WARNING - this post is about pregnancy and contains words like *butt* *cellulite* *crap* and *stretch marks* and I'm in a particularly defiant mood, proceed at your own risk <3

So, you know how when you're pregnant you gain weight... everywhere?

Yeah, me too. Lately I've become more and more infuriated by the seeming barrage of 'perfect body' images... everywhere!

Little known Jodie fact: I battled anorexia in my late teens and early twenties. I got (like scary) skinny... and stayed that way... for a while. I can't speak for anyone else who's battled this particular demon but I will say for me that you don't wake up one day 'not anorexic.' The thought patterns and insecurities that drove you there in the first place are always dancing around the edges of your healthy self image waiting for a chink in your armor.

Right now I got a lot a chinks.

When you're devastated, deeply bereaved, wholly bereft everything is a battle, everything. It becomes easy for the dancing demons to find chinks.

I have to live the rest of my life without my child. I vowed not to give a crap about crap that doesn't matter, never again. I'm not saying my body doesn't matter. I'm not saying fitness, health and body image don't matter. They do. I'm a bit of fitness junkie. I LOVE to work out from the burn during to the endorphins after. I love it.

But lately I'm feeling triggered. I'm feeling triggered by images of women who's bodies are labelled 'ideal.' I'm being triggered by the media's obsession with celebrities who dare to gain weight while growing their child and even more so with the ones who apparently don't. I feel the pressure of an unattainable expectation. That crap doesn't matter and it pisses me off.

I seriously feel like all of us with curves, stretch marks, cellulite, bumps and bulges (aka real bodies) should start posting pictures so the world knows variety is ok.

Lastly what really motivated this post was the perception by many I know that I do not struggle with body issues, that I do not gain weight while pregnant and that my post baby body magically appears upon hospital exit. The LAST thing I want to be is another pressure point. God forbid!

So here it is... Obviously as a former active anorexic I have body issues. I totally gain weight while pregnant. I just happen to be nearly 6ft tall so it may be a bit less obvious. I currently have that scene from The Backup Plan where Jennifer Lopez's character whines "I want my old butt back!!" repeatedly running through my head. (If you like RomCom and haven't seen it you should). Seriously, saddle bags, love handles, cellulite, the works. Finally, I know as a woman I'm supposed to be self deprecating and insist that I'm always fat and I always need to lose 5lbs and never ever admit that I actually think I look good. Sorry but I guess I'm not up for that crap. After delivery (I gained roughly 30-35lbs with each of my previous 10 month excursions into crazyville) I bust my a**. Seriously, I work HARD. I cut out junk and eat super clean and absolutely bust my tail. It's not magic. It's work. Annnnnddddddd.... I think I look pretty dang good.

Life is so so so hard. I'm not willing to put up with this bull anymore. If you're rock'n a super toned, crazy fit bod, awesome. If you're rock'n curves, awesome. I'm gonna work on staying in a healthy place in my head and keeping my shield up.

Until next time...