My baby died two years ago, suddenly, completely unexpectedly at 19 months old.
I laid on the floor of his PICU room, on my face, and begged, begged God.
I had what anyone would have characterized as a strong relationship with God. I believed with all of my heart that we had a relationship. I spent large blocks of time intimately communing with him daily. I thought I knew the bible well. I spent a great deal of time studying it. I trusted him...
Then Damon died.
I clung fiercely to my faith. I was sure... absolutely positive that at some point it would start to make some sort of sense. I studied harder, enrolled in graduate theology courses... and the wheels started to come off.
The thing is I had stopped seeing the scriptures through rose colored glasses. I started to see all of the things that didn't make sense. I started to see a god I wanted nothing to do with. I started to see holes and cracks...
Then I started to mourn, not my son, I had been mourning him long and deep and hard since the day he passed. I had been laying beneith the waves of grief and PTSD, suffering through flash backs and panic attacks, crying until my vision went blurry for months. No, I started to mourn my faith. I didn't realize it at the time. I desperately tried to rationalize, to cling, but now I have started to realize that I really don't believe in god anymore.
I want to. I wish I did but I don't.
What do I do with that? I think there is still a part of me hoping that something will click. That some light will come on. That I will come back from this but I doubt that less and less.
The loss of my son and then my faith is horrifying, sickening, and terrifying. What now?
What now? I don't know my dear friend...I dont know.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI posted this and then deleted it. I am always afraid of coming off like an ass. I just feel really lonely and it is comforting to know that someone else is going through a similar experience, even if the experience is shitty. I just want you to know I understand how bad it sucks to find yourself on the outside of your own life.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to wake up to the emptiness of a lost faith.
Something that used to define you and connect you with so many people; something that you used to live for and even had hope in dying for; and now nothing.
That was earth shattering for me, and what was worse is that no one else seemed to even notice or care. They just went on about their lives as if I never existed. For some the exorcising was a little more gradual, but here I am 3 years later and none of those old relationships have stood the test.
I have my wife and my family as strong as ever, but the rest of my life seemed to be a house of cards. And dammit if someone didn't come by and shake the table.
For me, things eventually got better. My mind got healthy and I was able to begin living this life like it is the only one I have. The feeling alone in the Bible Belt kind of sucks, but I am realizing more every day how amazing and supportive my wife is.
here is this, maybe it will help
http://www.hopeafterfaith.com/