You know what sucks? I like her better. I like believing Jodie, faith-filled Jodie, praying, hoping, patient, kind... yada yada yada Jodie. I like non-cynical Jodie. I like christian Jodie. But that doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter because at the very core of christianity, at the very core of any faith, is Faith. "The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." That's the thing it seems so many christians don't get about christianity, it's about belief. You can't prove belief. If something can be systematically supported by fact and evidence that is science, not faith. You don't have a hypothesis, you have a belief. I no longer believe. And I can't take that back...
This has been a crap week. I blew up and acted like a jerk at work today, yesterday I sat on a rock and cried in front of a bewildered field assistant then came home and laid in my husband's arms and cried until my head hurt. It's been a crap week. I feel heavy, desperately depressed, confused, unsure about the choices I'm making... lost.
I would love nothing more than to bow with my face to the floor like I've done so many times before and empty, to empty of the pain, the confusion, the fear, the depression and breathe... if only for a second. But I can't. I can't because I don't believe.
I don't believe because no matter which way I turn it the frame of my faith no longer holds a picture. I set it down, walk around it, look from every angle and all I see are disjunct pieces that just don't fit. It doesn't make sense. How did it ever make sense to me?
I've often heard that to enjoy certain movies you must be "willing to suspend disbelief." Meaning, if you pick apart every fanciful or fictional or extreme thing about the movie the enjoyment is lost, the curtain is pulled back and all the gears are showing. I think faith is like this too. I'm no longer willing to suspend my disbelief. I'm no longer willing to accept "well, we just don't know the mind of god" (excuse me while I gag). I need evidence. I need facts. I need to understand. By definition my faith is gone whether I want it to be or not.
Until next time...
I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I'm so sorry your beautiful Damon is not with you.
ReplyDeleteHi Jodie. My name is Michelle. My baby died on January 31st this year. Her name is Violet and she was 5 months 12 days old. She died from a random fluke infection. MRSA in her lungs. It took her from us in 20 hours. I found your post about now being an atheist on the MISS forums. It spoke to me. I have felt so lost and alone as a grieving mother with no real faith or belief system. I have read the majority of your posts over the last few days. Your hurt is so raw and so close to my heart, since my heart hurts like yours. I would love to speak with you about Damon. And Violet. And grief. And how stupid
ReplyDeleteAnd awful and unfair and senseless all of this is. I write a blog too. You can click on my name and it should take you there. You can email me if you want. I really need more people in my life that understand how hard it is to even continue breathing everyday.