I lived

The vast vast majority of my life I am surviving. I am holding it together for the next five minutes, just get through the next class, just keep breathing for one more day. I survive. That's not to say that amidst the survival there aren't shafts of light, breaths of clean air... moments. There are. There are moments. But most of the time I'm surviving.

Today, I lived.

I lived and it hurts so much I can't breathe...

I spent the morning in the lab, believe it or not that's really fun for me. I worked and researched and figured things out. More pieces of my puzzle fell into place (or rather, I wrenched them into place with blood, sweat, and tears). Then I tagged out with my man and spent the afternoon contentedly donning my mommy hat. We had snacks, ran errands, made enormous messes and some dinner, giggled... it was thoroughly mundane and the most beautiful perfect afternoon I could have asked for.



A crash has been coming for a while... You know, I run. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid of the pain, of the gaping maw inside of me. Afraid of the way it sucks me in and I'm completely helpless to stop it. I just endure until I'm finally strong enough again to wrench the doors closed and collapse in front of them sobbing. I'm afraid.

Tonight as I got ready for bed, walking the edge of a crash, hoping that I will last one more day, my husband sent me these words:

"I Choose You"

Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes

I'll unfold before you
What I've strung together
The very first words
Of a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
(Yeah)

There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again

My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you

We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements
I am under-prepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
Yeah
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
I choose you

I have two beautiful living children, an amazing job that I love, and the kind of romance that most people only read about in books... and at the end of this perfect day I am filled with pain and fear.

It seems so unfair that the black hurts less than the light.  Maybe this is why people hide. Why those deeply devastated never emerge from the dark. I get it. I so so get it. 

Maybe someday I'll learn not to run.

Until next time...