I liked her better

You know what sucks? I like her better. I like believing Jodie, faith-filled Jodie, praying, hoping, patient, kind... yada yada yada Jodie. I like non-cynical Jodie. I like christian Jodie. But that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because at the very core of christianity, at the very core of any faith, is Faith. "The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." That's the thing it seems so many christians don't get about christianity, it's about belief. You can't prove belief. If something can be systematically supported by fact and evidence that is science, not faith. You don't have a hypothesis, you have a belief. I no longer believe. And I can't take that back...

This has been a crap week. I blew up and acted like a jerk at work today, yesterday I sat on a rock and cried in front of a bewildered field assistant then came home and laid in my husband's arms and cried until my head hurt. It's been a crap week. I feel heavy, desperately depressed, confused, unsure about the choices I'm making... lost.

I would love nothing more than to bow with my face to the floor like I've done so many times before and empty, to empty of the pain, the confusion, the fear, the depression and breathe... if only for a second. But I can't. I can't because I don't believe.

I don't believe because no matter which way I turn it the frame of my faith no longer holds a picture. I set it down, walk around it, look from every angle and all I see are disjunct pieces that just don't fit. It doesn't make sense. How did it ever make sense to me? 

I've often heard that to enjoy certain movies you must be "willing to suspend disbelief." Meaning, if you pick apart every fanciful or fictional or extreme thing about the movie the enjoyment is lost, the curtain is pulled back and all the gears are showing. I think faith is like this too. I'm no longer willing to suspend my disbelief. I'm no longer willing to accept "well, we just don't know the mind of god" (excuse me while I gag). I need evidence. I need facts. I need to understand. By definition my faith is gone whether I want it to be or not.

Until next time...

Sometimes

Sometimes every little thing is not going to be alright.

Sometimes horrible things happen and they are not because god has something better planned

Sometimes it doesn't all make sense in the end

Sometimes god doesn't answer prayer

Sometimes time just makes you better at looking like it heals all wounds

Sometimes is a lot more often than you think.

Freaking Father's Day

Our culture really only honors the happy, the ideal, the intact...

Days like freaking Father's Day always find us all tied up in knots, snippy and grumpy and short tempered. I hate Father's Day. I hate Mother's Day even more. I can't make my husband one of those cute pictures with my kids holding up letters to spell "Dad" or do handprint art or... Or anything. My man can't gather his boys around him and bask in their giggles. One is missing. One is forever and ever missing.

So, once again, as always, we baton down the hatches, turn the nose into the heart of the storm and just plain survive.

Once again I try desperately to, and fail miserably at, striking a balance between "I want to celebrate that you are an amazing father" and "We both wish we could just curl up and die today." 

Even when things are good life sucks.

I miss you Damon.

Until next time...