Emotional turmoil and short tempers alleviated only nights spent in tears are not uncommon over here. We're all seriously, deeply, irreparably damaged. We hurt always, we miss always, we are shattered always
But March is its own special hell
The pain, the wrongness settles over us like a lead cloud. Sometimes we spend half a day thinking "what the crap is wrong with me?!" and then the realization hits... it's almost March. My stomach hurts the whole month.
This is an always for the hubby and I. It never gets easier. We never get use to it. I cry... a lot.
This is the first year that March has visibly taken a bite out of my eldest child. He's been angry, then crying, then exhausted, then angry. He can't nail down where the blackness is coming from so he strikes out at everything desperate to annihilate the source.
He curled up his five feet and ninety pounds in my lap two nights ago and full on sobbed.
I stroked his hair and said "Just cry, just cry, just cry"
I've learned that grief, and honestly just being human, takes a lot of space. Much of that space we need granted from those who love us. We need space to hurt, space to rage, space to cry. And we need that space to be safe.
I'm still terrified of opening the doors to my pain when I'm alone. I'm afraid that if I do it will suffocate me. I'm equally afraid of exposing that pain to 99% of humanity. My husband is my safe place. He just lets me cry. I just need to cry, without question, without "comforting words," without for-the-love "don't cry."
I never never never ever tell my children "don't cry," never. Tears are healthy, tears are healing, tears are bought at an unfathomable cost.
Sometimes you just need to cry.
Until next time...
