Well Done

Today brought more tears, more helpless aloneness, more suffocating black. I cried and cried. I couldn’t stop the flow of tears. I couldn’t crawl out from underneath the crushing onslaught of deafening pain. I was crippled… again.

There were few thoughts with these tears, just pain, just longing.

I cried and cried. Hopelessness choked me. I genuinely thought my mind was beginning to fracture. How much can one person take? I’m going to crack… shatter… I thought I was spiraling toward insanity. Maybe I am. I don’t know.

My husband, my strong, tender, broken man crawled in bed with me and kissed my forehead. “I talked to God this morning” he whispered. Something stirred inside me. Something that was not despair. “What did you say?” I asked. Will told me that he didn’t say much… just “why?” The question that is ever on my heart.

My beloved explained that God told him that Damon had done his job and then he got to come home. Well done good and faithful servant, echoed in my heart. Our son never suffered. He never got his heart broken. He never felt temptation. He healed his parents, then he went home.

Could it really be this simple? I don’t know but I know that my tears slowed and my heart lifted… ever so slightly.

Did Damon want to go home? I do… he who had the faith Jesus called us all toward, a child. It only makes sense.

Does this make me miss him less? Nope. Not even a little bit but it does lessen the pain, right now, in this moment. Tomorrow I will likely lie beneath the waves. I’ve learned that like no time in my life, now I need fresh words from my Father every day… every hour, really. I need Him to tell me the same things over and over and over. What spoke so boldly to my heart yesterday is snatched from my memory today. Maybe what I really need is just Him. Him.