Rain

It’s raining today. Finally, I think. Finally the world reflects the darkness inside of me. But it doesn’t, not really. Birds are singing. No birds sing in my world. There is no light, no air, no song. I haven’t cried yet today, that’s new. It makes me wonder, where am I now on this lonely journey? I would say I’m numb but the pain is so present this can’t be numbness, exhaustion maybe. Maybe I’m just too tired to cry. The anger is starting to build. It has no direction, no focus. It’s just there, rolling in my chest. I dreamt this morning, the first time since my baby left my life. Maybe I haven’t been dreaming because I’ve been so doped up on Tylenol PM. I don’t know, but I was thankful. I actually thanked God last night that I hadn’t dreamt of him and then it came. My child was alive, he was asleep in my arms, his precious little blonde curls were soaked with sweat. In the dream I knew the crisis had passed and then I woke up.

I’ve been crying out to God. I thought I had cried out before. I thought I had been desperate before, in the blackness of my self-made pit but that was nothing compared to this. I am desperate. I’ve asked over and over to see Him. Lord, I NEED to know You’re there! I need to know You’re real. I’ve been desperate for His voice, for His peace.

I tend to get very annoyed with people who claim to want God, who claim to desperately want to hear His voice and yet do nothing to seek Him. I’ve wanted to scream so many times “Well, are you in the Word?” So I followed my own obnoxious advice. My precious Papa and Nannie took us to Mardel. I sat on the floor in front of a wall of Bible studies and called out to my Father. Which one? At the moment I’m overwhelmed by questions like: would you like some butter? As desperate as I am to hear Him speak choosing among the dozen or so studies written by my favorite Bible teacher, not to mention the hundreds of others took my breath away. I narrowed it to two. I laid one on my left and one on my right (did I mention I was on my knees in the middle of a store). I laid one hand on each and prayed: which one? It was obvious which one God had chosen, the one on my right. Of course it was not the one I was hoping He would choose. This almost made me laugh, almost.

I dug into the study and at last…a measure of peace. It is inexplicable but there it was, peace. The pain was not gone, not by a long shot but there was peace. Undoubtedly, He will teach me so many things through this study. He always does but for now I am clinging to the verse He gave me yesterday.

Hebrews 10:35 So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!

I wrote it on my arm in permanent marker. I asked, He spoke. Praise the Lord oh my soul! All my inmost being praise His Holy name!!