I
smiled today and I cried, both rarities in my life these days. The smile far rarer
than the tears. I am told this is a symptom of PTSD, dissociation. My mind can’t
cope so it just shuts parts of itself down. It shuts parts of me down. Most of
the time all I feel is the harpoon jammed through my still beating heart. I try
desperately not to turn, not to move, cough or breathe too deeply… not to shift
the position of the impaled barb and send agony shooting through me. Today I
stood in Damon’s doorway and said “I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.” The
barb shifted and the tears came. I can’t cope… How on earth could anyone cope?
Baby
boy, I miss you! I miss you! I miss you!
In
what reality is this my world?
just breathe, dear friend, until our breathes are no more and we are reunited with our babies, just breathe.
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