Jealousy

It's really not fair that good things increase the intensity of grief from its constant undercurrent of pain to the deafening roar of an impending tsunami. Not fair. Story of my life since March 27th 2012. NOT FAIR!!

I'm so damn sick of not fair. I'm sick of always being sad, even when I'm happy. Most of all I just miss my son. Constantly, always... the missing.

I've read some books written by people who have lost children that are incredibly optimistic, that talk about happiness and fulfillment. I find myself wondering if its real. Is it possible or are these writings one of our many coping mechanisms... one more way to try to survive... fake it till you make it?

There are have been a rash of beautiful, amazing, precious babies entering our lives of late. I hesitate to publicly admit that this has been so hard for me. It has, so so so hard. New life, new babies, new hope... it's hard. It's hard for reasons I can't fully identify.

Will and I have been at odds about the possibility of more children. He has every conceivable good reason not to do it again. I mean seriously, Damon died. There is nothing worse, nothing ever ever worse. As bad as you can possibly imagine it to be, it's worse, by a million. The rainbow baby nearly died... As if those two reasons aren't enough there's the whole I basically can't eat for nine months because I'm so sick thing, the I pass out on a regular basis thing, and the we're dirt poor PhD students thing. Bottom line, the hubby is right.

But I can't let it go. The idea that I will never feel a child move inside me again. That there will never again be that moment of birth, the possibility of a full healthy life. I just can't let it go.

I wonder if maybe I just really really want to get it "right." If I want to have a healthy baby who grows to a healthy adult... or if I will just always want one more because every fiber of my being aches from the gargantuan Damon shaped hole.

There is so much jealousy weaved through my grief. Is this true of all grief? I don't know. I'm so jealous. Why? Why do you get to tuck your babies into bed every night? Why do you get to watch your child grow up? Why do you get to have a normal, happy, ordinary life? Why??

It's a weird jealousy because the agony I feel for any parent whose child dies is tremendous. I don't want you to lose... I just want mine back.

I don't understand. I hurt. I'm tired. How am I supposed to live like this for the rest of my life?

Until next time....