Love will prevail

I'm having one of those weeks... months... times... I don't know how long it will last. One of those seasons of desperation, desperate pain and grief and fear. I tried to fight it but, as always, it took me. The world is black again and I can't breathe.

I sat on the chest that holds Damon's belongings this morning staring into space. Will walked in and started "Ok, goals for today..." took one look at my face and amended "no goals for today." 

I don't know how I would survive without the tenderness in our relationship, without his ability to perceive and willingness to forgive when the blackness descends. 

It's exhausting, living life around the unpredictability of grief. Sometimes I just want to have a "normal" day and my man is trapped under the heaviness of loss or, like today, he puts his goals for the day on hold and just lets me curl into myself.

Sometimes we aren't so patient. Those days are rough but for the most part we move carefully around each other's wounds and bruises. That, perhaps, is the only reason my descents into untempered madness are temporary. 

It's true that love is not at all as it is so often portrayed. Love is work, it is sometimes a moment to moment choice. Love makes you desperately vulnerable and I pay dearly every minute for deeply loving. Love is terrifying and irrational. 

I heard a woman speaking the other day about being transgender. She spoke about how important the love of her parents is to her successful transition, about how when she came out to her very conservative Christian 85 year old mother she started sobbing. Her mother wrapped her arms around her and said "I don't know what this is but I love you and love will prevail."

Love will prevail.

Until next time...