focus

I’ve spent the last few weeks/months (?) caught in endless pounding waves of fury and hatred. There was little else I could feel… blinding pain – searing hate – blinding pain – searing hate. A few days (hours ?) ago the blinding pain screamed in my soul and I reached for the hate. It wasn't there. Until that moment and several very much like it I wasn’t aware that the hate had become a vicious, multiheaded, fire breathing guard dog. It protected me, in some small way, from the memories, from the pain. Now the raging fire has abated. The anger is still there, bigger and brighter than at any other time in my life but it is so much reduced from what it was. Again, I am left reeling… grappling with a flood of emotions, yet another new reality. Bone acing pain and nearly physically debilitating depression. Somewhere in my logical mind I recognize that my coping mechanisms are slowly being removed, layer by layer. I am being forced to look at the horror that is my life, that is my past, that is my future more and more head on. I miss the rage. Odd, I know. To any rational, sane, nongrieving person that sounds at least borderline psychotic but I was used to it and, like I said, it held off reality.

Maybe the most sickening realization about this recent shift is that it is just one of many many many cycles of debilitating pain, denial, anger and depression through which I will and have cycled. I go through them daily, weekly, monthly each layer wrapped within the other. Then on some large scale yet another wave of huge emotion rolls on. Denial wrapped in depression wrapped in anger wrapped in depression. Cycle upon cycle. I’m so unbelievably exhausted. Some days there is no room for hope, most days I can’t even fathom the concept.

I’ve started to try (emphasis on try) to focus on what I can do. My life is a huge bundle of can’ts. I can’t hold my baby. I can’t hear his laugh. I can’t see his smile. I can’t change what happened. I can’t understand anything. I can’t make up my mind about what is real or what is true. Some days I can’t get out of bed. I can’t cook for my family… on and on and on. So, what can I do? Not much in all honesty but I’ve had to decide on what to focus my extremely limited energy and free emotion. What matters? My man matters, my marriage matters. Here I am willing to fight, sometimes the energy isn’t there but he will always is. I can focus on telling my husband how much he means to me. I can focus on trying desperately to perform some outward expression of that love once a day. I can try. Isaiah matters. This one is harder. He is harder. He’s six, after all! Parenting is exhausting when the world is sunshine and roses when it’s tsunamis and choking blackness… ugh. So, what can I do for Isaiah? I can focus. Once a day, pull myself from the fog and focus on my son. Sounds like a big DUH but it is so hard.

Focus on what matters Jodie, let everything else slide. The dishes in the sink, the laundry, the floor that needs to be swept… you don’t have the energy for everything anymore so focus on what matters, period.