Truth?

Some time ago I read a blog post written by a woman who was present at a tragic event where several people were brutally murdered. Her post spread rapidly among Christian communities and was posted on the websites of Christian radio stations. From my perspective the gist of her post was “why would this make me question God’s goodness?” She vehemently defended her faith and asserted that evil was responsible for what happened, not God. Again, very recently I read a post by a bereaved mom. Her position was much the same. She said she is not angry with God for the death of her child, why would she be?

First, I need to make it clear that I thoroughly respect the feelings, thoughts and opinions of these women (and anyone else for that matter). Quite frankly I think a place of peace with one’s circumstances is a beautiful place to be. I’m envious but given that this is the stance held up by the Christian community and lauded as great faith I feel the need to speak for those of us who just aren’t there.

I’m not going to get into a dissertation about how evil can operate in a world where God is omnipotent and omnipresent but I will say that to point to evil as the cause for death and destruction is an incomplete assessment. Is God in control or is He not? Enough said on that point…

Here I’m going to come out of the closet so to speak. I do question God’s goodness. I question His goodness daily, hourly, constantly. So do many many of the grieving parents with whom I converse but they are too afraid to say it. I am FURIOUS with God. Many of the tame thoughts I think toward Him and rants I scream at Him would likely have had me burned at the stake only a few hundred years ago. In our current Christian culture many of us feel like we aren’t allowed to question or doubt. Such thoughts place us outside of the circle of faith so to speak and invite unwanted lectures, sermons and ostracism. In the desperately fragile state of a bereaved parent we cannot afford such painful confrontations and we urgently need the support of our faith communities so silent we remain.

I question… I question everything. Do we really believe God is the almighty God of the universe? If so then why the urge to defend Him?  I suppose I’m banking everything on the belief that He will come through, that He can stand up to my questions, my doubt and my fury. If not, He’s not God. For now our relationship is beyond bad. As I told a friend recently “God has the obnoxious habit of refusing to fight with me.”  I don’t know where this will go but do I not deserve the room to seek the truth?

Please please, if you are one of the few trusted members of the support group of a bereaved parent who believes in God trust Him to do His thing and let them do theirs. Just love, listen, hug and don’t judge.