shifting sand

What do I do? What do I do when I have no idea what to do, when the spinning in my head won’t stop and my body won’t move? I come here, here to the blinking cursor and I write. I write and I write…

I’m devastated today. Saturdays are usually ‘good’ days. When I open my eyes my husband is still beside me. We spend the morning lying in bed, talking, not talking, whatever until hunger drives us out. He’s home. He doesn’t have to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to teach Zoology or Physiology. He’s mine. It’s one of my favorite times.

But lately my restlessness has been nearly impossible to quell. I can’t sit still… but there’s nothing to do.

The past month things inside of me have started to shift. It’s been confusing. It’s made me irritable and even more irrational. I’m naturally an introvert. I think that would surprise a lot of people but it’s true. Even in college I was much more contented on my bed with a good book than mingling with the crowds. When I’m wounded my reclusiveness is amplified and after Damon’s death I was completely nonfunctional. People, probably more than anything, freaked.me.out. I could not converse. I’ve never been good at ‘small talk.’ I’m far too impatient and blunt. I think a lot of things that people are so concerned with are downright stupid (always have) but for the past year it wasn’t just that I didn’t like it I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t think. I didn’t care.

But here I am realizing that for the last few weeks I’ve undulated between craving human interaction and being thoroughly confused by the feeling. I’ve been thinking things like ‘who am I?’ ‘what do I have now?’  I’m jealous of my husband who has a purpose every day, who gets up and goes to a job, who uses his mind and his education, who single handedly supports us. I want to contribute. I miss having a life… and for that I feel guilt. 

The new person I seem to become every few months confuses me. Nothing is stable inside of me, everything is shifting sand.

Fear… it rules my life. To do anything is to battle it and often to do nothing is to succumb.

What if I can’t? What if I try and I fail? Fear…

I’m not who I was… who do I want to be? I have to remake myself according to an entirely new set of rules and I have to do that without my child. Can I?

This sucks. Today is black… deep, dark, black.

Until next time.