Silent Screams

I have so much on my mind lately. I'm swinging wildly between spurts of constant motion - go go go - to a complete paralysis of inactivity, sometimes soaked in sobs  sometimes cloaked in black. It's March. I have more than a few dirty words for March. Hey March, go to hell! I'm sick with the impending 27. The memories are coming faster, angrier, more insistent  I can't push the images away. What will 27 be like? Hell... it will be like hell.

My mind is all over the place, running, rambling  ranting. Everywhere from my fury over my triggering body issues (thanks media!) to the obvious, my missing baby, my Damon. The body issues rant is coming but it is so secondary...

Damon, it's been almost a year. A year...

There are no words.

I've noticed something. Those of you dragging yourself down this horrifying path tell me if you've noticed something similar. The silence.

I don't mean the awkward silence, or the deafening silence but the sort of knowing silence of the bereaved. I've noticed that those of us who know say so little. When my man and I lay in the tangle of each other's arms, grieving, we say virtually nothing. The pain is too deep. The loss is too much. The two friends I have who I speak with regularly who have had to say goodbye waaaay too soon are similar. Few words. Most of the words that are spoken are simple acknowledgements. "I know. I know"

I value this.

I've found that most everything else feels like a contradiction. Those words of "encouragement" just seem like arguments. People, good, kind, loving people just want to make it better. There is no making this better.

This leads me to the silent screams. I'm pretty sure we all have them. What are yours?

I thought I'd share mine. You see, there are audible screams... there are times when I moan, scream, rant and cry but those times are rare these days. The pain masters me in those times and I rarely allow it to do so anymore. Its just too awful. But the silent screams... those I wear every single day.

Damon had a book that he loved. A book of colors. Each page featured a color, grey with an elephant and a grey crayon... etc. His FAVORITE page was the orange page. He would grab his book and do his precious little backwards waddle walk into my (or his daddy's) lap and hand me his book. I would start at page one and his impatience would have him insistently flipping half way through the book looking for orange. This didn't really register before he died but after it was something we grabbed on to and have held fiercely  Orange.

Most of my silent screams are orange.

Will and I both wear these simple plastic bracelets. A friend got them for us. I think they were given out at the funeral. I honestly don't remember. I know there are several people who still wear theirs <3 We NEVER take them off, ever, ever. We've each had one break recently but we will find more.

As you can see I also have several pieces of orange jewlery. I usually wear a least one. This was a gift from my adopted 'mama'. I also have one I wear on my left wrist that was a gift from my SIL.

I have 19 orange Freesia flowers tattooed on my left side. The word 'Dance' arches over my hip where my little dancing baby always sat. The final flower rests on my chest where he used to lay his head. This picture was taken the day my tat was completed, the canvas has grown a bit since then!

I used to wear the necklace you can see in this picture every day. When I started to slowly emerge people constantly commented on it. They often pointed out how beautiful my little boy is. It hurt too much and caused me to withdraw so I switched to this necklace. Sorry about the sideways picture... I seriously can't seem to get that figured out. Anyway. I never take it off, ever, ever.

My fingernails and toenails are always painted orange. Please ignore the sloppy job, its getting harder to reach those bad boys!

Recently my cousin added orange streaks to my hair...

Today this ring came in the mail. I cried... It came with an orange business card that read "you make me want to dance." My friend who lost her beloved daughter only a few months before we lost Damon sent it to me. I love you!!

These are some of my silent screams, because the screaming will never stop and because there just aren't words. They sort of help me say "I will never forget. I will never stop missing you. I love you." Most people probably just see and tattooed, orange haired, orange toed misfit but now some of you know.

Until next time...