Crisis of faith

Faith… what the heck is faith?

Warning, if you’ve had me on a pedestal I’m about to come crashing down.

Webster’s definition: Definition of FAITH

1a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs <the Protestant faith>

Christians like to turn to Hebrews 11:1  confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see.

… What does that mean?

See, the thing is I’m about to get real honest in a really public way and the words I would use to do so aren’t even entirely clear to me in their definition.

Crisis of faith

Crisis:

Noun 1.    A time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger. 2.    A time when a difficult or important decision must be made: "a crisis point of history". That one I’m all over. I’m in a crisis, without a doubt. The faith word is where I run into difficulty. Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Yep, she is. I’m tired of fighting this battle in silence. I’m tired of questioning in secret so here goes. I think God absolutely, completely, and totally sucks. I’ve been afraid to say it. I’ve felt like the faith of so many is riding on my convictions, convictions I firmly believed… until I didn’t. I’ve been afraid of judgment, losing the people I love, my support system; people of faith are my world, my heart, my friends, my family, my everything… and of having to endure more “advice” from people who know absolutely nothing about the kind of torture I walk through Every. Single. Minute. So don’t. If you just had a scripture or saying or platitude pop into your head, just don’t. My anger is generally reserved solely for this one I’ve called “Father” and I don’t want you to get caught in the crossfire. Trust me, it’s vicious. I loved Him, truly, truly loved Him. I walked with Him, closely, Most importantly I trusted Him. (don’t you dare talk to me about trusting when he says “no” because I will likely hunt you down and you do not want to see me crazy) I know the Bible people, probably much better than 90% of Christians. I know what it says, there is no comfort there, only more confusion. I’ve read until my eyes go blurry. I’ve studied. I’ve sought answers. Nothing. I value honesty. Highly, highly value honesty so here I am being honest. I realize I’m doing this in an incredibly public forum and as a result am inviting abuse, abuse that quite frankly I cannot endure. But I’ve sought kindred spirits. I’ve desperately searched for someone who would say “I had the same struggle” but there is no one so it will be me. I don’t know where this will go but as of this moment I’m in crisis and it is going to take a long, long time to sort things out. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe."