It’s Sunday. Will and I had planned on attending services with my family this morning. I couldn’t even move when time came to get up, just breathing takes every ounce of energy I have. It already feels like the world has moved on, people are laughing. Everything normal feels wrong, there is no such thing as normal, there never will be again. The sun shines and I walk around in a toxic haze that the world can’t understand. My bones are in agony (Ps 6:2). My arms are empty.
No one seems to understand how I could lift my hands in praise at my baby’s funeral. If I weren’t in the middle of this I wouldn’t either. Praise, scripture, His voice is one of the only things that feel anything more than desperately painful. A brief moment of relief from the bone shattering ache comes when I am swimming in songs of power and praise. Through my pain God has taught me something new about Him. Yes, He anguishes with me, yes, He holds me but when I unleashed my fury when I screamed “this isn’t right!!” He echoed my anger. “No baby girl, this isn’t right and I’m going to make Satan pay.” God’s pissed!
For the past few years I’ve lived my life with the mantra “When my feet hit the floor in the morning I want Satan to think ‘Oh crap! She’s up’.”He’s gonna be sorry he ever messed with this child of the Most High God. There will be days when I can’t even pick myself up off of the floor, days when the world won’t stop spinning, days when I want to lash out an everyone and everything but on days when I can find my voice I will shout the name of Jesus from the rooftops. I won’t lie down until my Father lays me down. Father God, The Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my defender, you have always been my shield; now teach me to wield this sword.
I know Gods arms are swaddling you and He and His army are fighting for you. I'm praying for you with fierceness. Love you Jodie.
ReplyDeleteThere is something fierce about a bereaved mother who is a child of God. There is something so brave about our testimony. Whether or not you "feel" it, your testimony is causing satan to crap in his pants right now. Satan may think that forcing mothers to the bottom of despair would take away our joy. Oh, my friend it may take away our happiniess but we have the joy that was set before us. We have a King who came and shed His blood so that we have eternity with our babies. We will glorify His kingdom every step of this journey, depressed, in agony, in pain, in confusion, we still glorify Christ, because we know that we know He is Lord and we will see our children again!!
ReplyDeleteCan anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our our worries about tomorrow - NOT EVEN THE POWERS OF HELL CAN SEPARATE US FROM GOD'S LOVE!!!!
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:35-38
I love you!!! But God loves you more!! Aunt Judy