Parenting

Saying “the hardest thing about grief is…” is pretty pointless. Everything is the hardest thing but I guess some things are more consistently hard. Like parenting.

Parenting was hard when my life was sunshine and roses (and yes, my life was pretty darn close to perfect). Now it’s like a never ending boxing match where me staying in the ring means the difference between a healthy happy child and a seriously screwed up kid.

Seven year olds don’t have that thing that (we hope) adults have that says “I should not take advantage of this situation.” They just aren’t there developmentally. When you’re a parent, particularly a parent of an irritatingly brilliant kid (he actually is that’s not just my mommy coming out) like mine, showing weakness is like being the gimpy gazelle at the back of the herd.

No matter what kind of awful day I’ve had, no matter how much I’ve cried, how many panic attacks I’ve had, or how much I just want to die my first born still needs me. He needs me to say “No” when I would so much rather just say “yes.” He needs me to be strong enough to be disliked (a lot) and even hated now and then. He needs me to crawl back in the ring with him battered and bloody because I love him. He needs me to keep PARENTING him even when he’s pushing every button wanting me to stop already.

One of the many blessings of being entrusted to a man like mine is that I never have to do this alone. Sometimes I do get to just curl up in a dark place and let Will be dad for the night. As we say “that’s teamwork” but only sometimes because my baby needs his mommy.

I’m scared for what this is going to do to the first person in my life to teach me what true love is. Everyone says “kids are so resilient.” How resilient? The entire trajectory of my son’s life has changed. His parents struggle every day just to function. Where do we go from here?

… Well, the short answer is to the kitchen to make Rice Krispy treats for his Valentine’s party tomorrow. I’ll try to limit the number I shove in my face (but no promises).

Until next time…