Something other than whining *update*

So the combination of being a former full time PhD student, nesting and my mental junk that makes me seriously unpredictable in social situations has thrust me into a bit of a conundrum. I’m not stable enough to go back to school. It is incredibly hard for me to focus, I cry hysterically at random times and social interaction can easily send me into a full-on panic attack.

I am getting better, slowly, very slowly. I’m pushing myself to interact with people on my ‘good’ days and really trying to focus on what I can do every day. But I am used to being super productive, maybe even over-productive. This transition is hard. It’s really hard for me not to get incredibly down on myself. For the first nine months after Damon’s death I disappeared and my husband carried everything. I truly remember almost none of it but I know. The bills get paid, the dishes got done, Isaiah got fed all while I huddled in a hole and sobbed or stared blankly into space. Will did it. I don’t know how but now that I am slowly emerging I realize it. Another layer of guilt and regret.

Now that I’m trying, now that I am awake more often than I’m catatonic I’m stuck between the desire to contribute and the ability to do so. We’ve suddenly become a one income family with added expenses to boot and a baby on the way. Again, my husband carries the load.

I’ve given up searching the various employment boards. They just depress me. 1) I’m an academic… my skill set if fairly limited. 2) I have severe PTSD, need I say more? So, I finally arrive at my point (unlike usual this post was not intended to be emotional vomit). What can I do? I can take care of my home. I can take care of my man. I can take care of my son.

Ok, so what does that look like? Over the past few months I’ve slowly worked out of my complete paralysis. I can cook and clean and organize now. So, I’m once again in charge of grocery buying, meal preparation and household what-nots. Comparatively, it’s not much but it’s what I’ve got. So, I’m gonna do it with everything I’ve got. I’m revamping our home.

Number 1 goal – if I can’t make money I will find ways to save it.

1)    Organization/decor – I’m slowly beginning to organize every nook and cranny of our home. At first I was convinced I couldn’t do this because of ‘number 1 goal’ but I’ve realized that there are gazillions of things I can repurpose as storage and organizational solutions. I’m reusing cereal (and other) boxes to organize papers and food. I found old drawers at Habitat Restore for $.92 that I’m using to make end tables and under the bed storage and repurposing an old junk table that was just sitting in the back yard making us look white-trash into an ottoman.

You'll notice this picture was taken post-organization frenzie beginning but pre-homemade food transition!

Cardboard box converted to 'hubby's random counter top stuff' container (think I need to cover the inside too)

2)    Groceries – I’ve found a blog by a mom whose family of four lives on $14k/year (here). I’m slowly easing us into many of her suggestions. I’d already begun making A LOT of our food from scratch since discovering that Isaiah is allergic to dairy (yeah, it’s in everything). His allergy forces me to check every single label and I’ve been shocked. Why is there so much junk in my food? That new knowledge combined with the above mentioned blogger’s insistence that making food from scratch is loads cheaper has pushed me deeper into domesticicity.

My first attempt at homemade bread!

*Update* I am a domestic goddess! How gorgeous is this bread. My kiddo came home from school to an afternoon snack of fresh baked bread!

3)    Household – have you ever noticed how freaking expensive household cleaners are? Nesting has put me in cleaning overdrive. However, I’m pretty limited by all the nasty toxins in cleaners. The hubs is very protective from “get down off that counter!” to “you ARE NOT getting in that shower with that bleach/toxin/what-not containing cleaner.” What can I say, he’s awesome. He also works HARD. So I’m not about to ask him to clean it “Hey babe, after your 2.5 hr commute, full day of work, papers to grade, lectures to write, being an amazing husband and father would you mind cleaning the bathroom while I lay here on the couch?” Um… no. Solution? Homemade cleaners. I’m figuring if I can eat it I can breathe it while I clean. This week I’m trying out a make your own detergent recipe that you can find here if you’re interested and using baking soda and vinegar (not together in a closed container! *explosion*) to clean the bathrooms.

The recipe says to use whatever bar soap you want. I used Irish Spring so now my clothes will smell like my man!

I paid roughly $9 for these and used half a cup of each...

Ok... so I'm new at this.

I made a little over a gallon of laundry detergent that smells like my man, win!

These are a few of my baby steps toward functionality. I’ll be sure to let you know when they fail miserably (hopefully with pictures!) and when they succeed, too J

Until next time…