Violated

So often things spiral out of control. Foreclosures, divorces, collection calls… How do you navigate in this dark, mean, unforgiving world when you can barely even stand. Life keeps happening, even when yours has stopped, and life is hard.

‘Normal’ things are sometimes excruciating. I did our taxes this weekend. The IRS said “tell us about Damon.” I sat staring, picturing his amazing blue eyes, his perpetual smile, aching with his absence from my arms and hearing his laugh. His laugh that his daddy says was just like mine. Tell you about Damon? He was amazing. He was ours and he was stolen. But these aren’t the things the IRS wants to know. It’s a routine question. I had to check the box that says he died this year. “We’re sorry for your loss. You can claim him for the whole year.” Gosh, thanks computer screen. Can I have him back, too? Nope.

Never.

That was hard…

But not nearly as hard as opening my email and seeing that our return had been rejected. Wait, what? Why?

Why….

Because someone has already filed a return claiming my son. My child. My Damon.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Confusion.

Anger.

Ripping, agonizing, screaming pain.

What?

And the hits just keep coming. You have got to be kidding me life. Really? Could you please find someone else to pick on!???

I’m sick with fury and agony. I’ve sobbed and reeled and steamed and ranted.

I get it. I get the spiral. How do you hold it together when it just keeps falling apart? How do you stand up under the onslaught when all you want to do is lie down? I get why bereaved parents give up. One step forward and life knocks you back again.

I’m sick of it. I’m angry.

Violated