Obstinate

I’m sitting in Wills office surrounded by Damon’s baby pictures. Before I entered the room this morning Will came in and turned them all face down. I’ve been slowly turning them up one by one as the day progresses, trying to confront my fear and pain.

I miss him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, fighting my fear with everything I have. Each day carries with it constant fear; fear of the morning, fear of night fall, fear of being alone, fear of being surrounded by people, fear of remembering, terror of forgetting. I don’t want to live in fear. I wasn’t made to be afraid.

Today God had me in Joshua. Joshua is one of my favorite books. I first fell in love with my God in the pages of the Old Testament. It speaks to me. The Israelites faced so many physical obstacles that I face spiritually. I like the concreteness. I like the way God so obviously showed off. I like seeing my God be huge.

The last week or so since I’ve begun to emerge from the fog, started to have more and more lucid moments, started to think again I’ve struggled so much against the urge to do something. In the throws of desperate anguish I’ve  whispered to my husband countless times “I don’t know what to do.”

I’m so thankful to my God for His clarity in this season of desperate wounding. I have heard Him more clearly and more consistently in these days than in any other season of life. It’s true, He draws near to those who draw near to Him.  

He has confirmed and reconfirmed His message to me; “Be still and let me heal you. You focus on now and I will take care of then.” He has told me directly: Stop it with the planning Jodie. You beg to go home and yet still try to plan next week. There may not yet be a next week!”

It’s been hard completely re-tooling my thinking. We’re always about what’s next and don’t even notice what’s now. As much as now hurts I’m trying so much to live in N-O-W. To obey the one who knows what I need.

I shudder to think what I would have done to myself if I had not chosen in those first days and hours to fix my eyes on Him, if I had not chosen to trust Him. Where would I be today? Undoubtedly I would have already done horrid, gruesome damage to my wounds, desperately tearing at them, ripping them open time and time again.  

I imagine myself in triage. I keep screaming about my broken ankle while my Healer is methodically, carefully, patiently mending my life giving arteries. “I see it baby girl, we’ll get there but you need to trust me to tend to what could kill you before I get to what wont.” I love Him so much. His faithfulness heals me as much as the work of His hands, His goodness, His Godness.

Today He confronted me with my fear. “Be strong and very courageous” (Joshua 1)

The original word interpreted “strong” can mean: to fasten upon, to seize, obstinate, to bind, be constant, constrain, hold fast, mend, become mighty, prevail, repair

Obstinate is not something I have ever had trouble with, ask my exhausted mother. I love that I get to be obstinate! I’m obstinately in love with my Yahweh.

“courageous” can mean: to be alert, steadfastly minded.

This made me think the devil is prowling like a lion waiting to devour you, don’t get lulled by the glamour, choose to see through the lies.  

And then comes the conviction. Do not be afraid or discouraged.

Afraid is exactly what you think it means but the original word for “discouraged” held powerful significance for me. It can mean: to prostrate, to break down either by violence or by confusion and fear.

Do not lay down to this child. You are MINE. I am ALL POWERFUL. Choose to stand.

I’ve felt a calling on my life for some time now. I’ve insisted over and over that there is absolutely nothing special about me. I’m just clinging to the Rock. That’s true but through the words of my bible teacher today God said this “Can you even admit that I have entrusted you with a gift?”  Oh, man. Ouch. I’m not denying me. I’m denying Him. There is nothing special about me but there is everything special about what He is choosing to make me.

I wept when she then cried the words “I’m afraid I’ll fail You!!” He brought conviction and then answer.

I WILL NOT FAIL YOU.

I love You, Lord. I will not lay down.