I’m not strong. There is nothing in me or about me
that is strong. I’m not wise, perhaps I am gifted, but I am not wise. I am
broken, shattered, torn, devastated and so very very confused.
My heart, my emotions, my thoughts and my feelings
cannot be trusted. Nothing is stable in me. Nothing makes sense.
Every day I wish I could let go. I want to walk
away from God. I want to stop believing. I want to stop trusting but I can’t… because I DO believe. I can’t
walk away from Him because my soul knows Him. My soul longs for Him. When
everything in my flesh twists and turns and bites and screams in His arms my
soul recognizes my Elohim, my Yahweh.
What do I do with that? What do I do with
anything, now?
I used to wonder what on earth “deep speaks to
deep” meant. I don’t wonder anymore. I get it into the very essence of my soul.
He is deep and the deep in me recognizes and longs for Him.
As the deer pants for the water
So my soul longs after you, my God
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
Day and night
While people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
As I pour out my soul:
How I used to go to the house of God
Under the protection of the Mighty One
With shouts of joy and praise
Among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him,
My savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
Therefore I will remember you
From the land of the Jordan,
The heights of Hermon – from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
In the roar of your waterfalls;
All your waves and breakers
Have swept over me
By day the Lord directs his love,
At night his song is with me –
A prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
Oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
As my foes taunt me,
Saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him,
My Savior and my God.
- Psalm 42
Dylan told me last night "I am not always a good person" I told him none of us really are "good" people. I said do you know who you are? He said "who am I mom?"...I said son you are a child of God. You are the child of God who spoke into existence the sun, the moon, the stars. You are His creation, His perfect creation.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember in the Beth Moore study the metaphor for gold. Do you recall how the master would again and again place the gold in fire until it came out perfectly? The master knew when the gold was perfect because He could see the reflection of himself. You may not be strong, you may not be wise, you may not be stable, BUT My beloved sister I do see Christ's refelction in your journey, in your words, in your tears. In the midst of such turmoil and confusion that is worth more than any of your "nots". I love love love you. I respect your honesty and I treasure our sisterhood.
Yours
Summer