The Missing

I miss him. I miss him with a missing I couldn’t have fathomed possible. I miss him. It is so indescribably excruciating to see him EVERYWHERE and know he’s not here. To see him giggle and run along the sidewalk by the house and not be able to scoop him into my arms. To see his little bottom stuck into the air as he sleeps and not be able to go rest my hand on his back and feel the gentle rise a fall of his sleeping breath. I’ve heard people talk about moments in which the veil between heaven and earth is thin… I live on the very precipice of hell.

Tonight I pulled into the driveway of the house that was once my home. The place where I always wanted to be more than anywhere else on all of planet earth. The place that held my life; my man and my babies. The evening was heavy with the smell of summer. I could hear my eldest laughing in the backyard with a friend. The cicadas were singing their summer song and light spilled from the windows of my house. Before an exactly Damon sized hole was rent in my soul this would have been a perfect evening. Now, all I feel is pain.

I miss him.   

Tears have been my food, day and night… when can I go and meet with God? (Ps 42)