To Recognize and Transcend

I’m sick of writing. I’m tired of the almost irresistible compulsion to write. I’m tired of the running miles of circles in my own head only to gain the occasional inch of new ground. I think I’m just tired.

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. Exhaustion and pain and weariness weighed me down. Grief is exhausting. Not just mentally and emotionally, physically too. I’m so tired.

I slept with my Bible. Sounds insane? I’m ok with that. I don’t have a problem being nuts, none at all. I didn’t have the energy to slog myself into a sitting position and focus my tired eyes enough to clear my vision so I dragged my Bible into bed with me and slept. I knew I needed it, so I did the best I could.

This all-consuming sorrow has plunged me into a weird duality. I told a friend yesterday that as in physics it seems that in grief for every thought, emotion or compulsion there is its equal and opposite. I then corrected myself “not equal, but always opposite.” I can’t trust anything I feel or think… there is always an opposite.

When I did finally pull myself from the covers today I gathered my “library,” as it is now affectionately termed, and headed for my front porch (yes, I most definitely raided my Dr. Pepper stash on the way). I stared at my Bible, and the stack of studies, reference books and devotionals. I wanted to open an old favorite but felt a tug to a different study. I whined at God. I didn’t want to work in this one today.

Last night I explained to a precious friend that I feel like one minute God was speaking so clearly then the next it’s as if I’ve been stuffed into a tunnel. There are echoes of voices everywhere, distorted and frightening noises I don’t recognize and I can’t find His voice.

This morning I was aching for His voice. I thought I would find it where I usually do, thus the whine. I know you’re not going to be surprised when I tell you that He spoke this morning through the study He chose. Of course He did….

In the midst of our lesson (which was not about me at all but very much about you <3) I was pondering this new duality where nothing is ever straight forward and every thought is a battle ground. I was thinking about how I question Him, my faith, my thoughts, my sanity, my purpose, His plan… everything, constantly. Here comes the duality of this one, and yet my soul positively aches for Him. Truth is still truth. My mind is incapable of understanding but my soul, in its covenant bond with its Maker, recognizes Him!

Have you ever had that feeling, maybe you were lost somewhere or sitting at a table alone waiting to meet someone, you search each face, panic rising, feeling more and more awkward by the second and then, recognition! You know that feeling I’m talking about? My soul recognizes my Father! Everything in me is jumping up and down with this realization. There is something powerful about this truth, something grounding, something solid. I will always be able to recognize Him.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about NOW and about what I want and what I don’t want.

Some friends continue to send scripture. A recent theme has been asking God. I kept thinking each time I would read one of these “ask” themed verses “I don’t even know what to ask for.” I have no idea what I want…

So, I’ve been looking inward. What do I want to ask for? What do I need?

I want Damon. This is the deepest and purest want I have. I have to begin to accept that I will not get him back. It cost a stab of pain just to write that. He’s never going to stand and my feet and insist I hold him while I cook dinner again. I won’t get to hear his first sentence. I don’t get to watch him dig in the mud or say “Hi!!” to perfect strangers. I don’t get to see that amazing smile or get worn to the bone by his endless energy and apparent need for almost no sleep. He’s never coming back. David’s words echo in my broken heart “He cannot return to me but I will go to him.” I hate this fact with every fiber of my being but hating it doesn’t change it.

I want to go home… no trumpet today, maybe tomorrow. For some reason I’m still here. Some days I care what that reason is, some days I don’t.

So, while I’m here, what do I want? I’ve finally started to figure this out, at least a little bit.

I want to remember my son with joy. I want to be able to look at his beautiful face and feel incredible joy. I want to be able to tell the stories without dissolving into a heap of sobs. I want to smile when I remember him. He brought me inexpressible joy in life. I want to carry that joy past his death.

This is another one of those duality times. It feels like a betrayal to say I want to feel joy, to be happy again. Not interested in should’s or shouldn’ts it just does. So I have to choose… which side of this duality will I honor? Today it’s joy.

I’m told it’s natural to go through a ‘regrets’ phase, to think about all the things I wish I had done differently. I was a good mother to Damon. I adored that booger bear with every ounce of everything that I am…  and there are things I wish I had done differently.

I often thought “when he gets just a little older….”. Damon was four handfuls. Will and I often commented that he was, without a doubt, a two parent child. He was into absolutely EVERYTHING every second of every waking minute and he had A LOT of waking minutes. There was no sit in the floor and play with the Damonator it was all go all the time. Because Will commutes a lot of the everyday responsibilities of being a parent fell to me, not to mention that whole full time PhD student thing. I was tired…

I kept thinking “when D is just a little older and a little more independent then this will get easier.” I’m not beating myself up about this. I know how much I adore that little tornado. Still, I want to get better… I want to be honest with myself. I need to be honest with myself that I was often too focused on what’s next to appreciate what’s now. There was no next… 

So, I want to learn to be in NOW. I want to learn to absorb every color, every sound, every touch…. Now. I want to learn to appreciate the amazing blessings I’ve been given. To fully enjoy my husband and my son, not as an exercise or a “should” but really.

I have no earthy idea how to do this, maybe because there is no earthly way to do it. Only God has the power to teach me to transcend. Not only to transcend my suffering and my anger and my hurt but to transcend myself and to see others.  Only He has the power to gently guide me into this new place of abiding without the guilt, accusation or condemnation I would likely heap on myself.

Maybe once I start to live in “now” the then without Damon won’t look quite so dark.