The Real Thing

I woke this morning already crying, hard. I dreamt of Damon. In my dream I got to pick him up and hold him close. I was crying and stroking his precious curly head saying “Anything. I would give ANYTHING to hold you again.” Even in my dream I knew he was gone.

This knowledge stands in stark contrast to my thoughts this morning. “This can’t be real… this can’t be my life… How is this my life? No!!!!!!”

I’ve been in a sort of functioning dissociation the past few days. It honestly feels like I’m split in two. There is a part of me that loves on Isaiah, talks with my husband and tells stories about my boys, then there is the real me, curled up in some dark, cold, empty place barely aware that I exist.

This scares me, a lot.

I’ve been reading. I think my husband may have forgotten what I look like without a bible study, bible, or book on grief open across my lap. He bought me a new ORANGE bag to carry my library around with me. I don’t leave home without it. If we’re being honest, I don’t often leave the room without it.

The most recent reading I finished left me much worse off than before I turned the first page. The author upon her writing was two years from the loss of her precious child. The last page of the book sounded no different than the first. In my eyes she had found no hope. She was still in the black, dark, icy grips of devastating grief. Only, she had become functional. She does things now.

No, no, no, no, no!

The last few days I’ve done things. I did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen and even picked up around the house. Is this all I have to hope for? That I will start to do things?? That you will begin to see an increasingly functional human being who, in truth, is still locked away in the grips of soul tearing pain and loss?! NO!! I reject this. I absolutely positively reject this.

My bible studies over the past week or so have centered on believing and claiming God’s power and promises for me. I doubt I have to tell you how sideways this message sits with me. I DID believe. I believed HUGE and where were You?!! I scream time and time again.

Trust me, comes the answer.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is usually my reply. How do I trust you when I don’t trust You? Well, hello duality. Apparently you and I are going to be traveling companions for quite some time. My mind struggles to trust, my soul does not. Sometimes this makes me want to rip my soul out and throw it away (traitor). Sometimes the same with my mind…

But here’s the power I’m deciding to claim today. If God’s promises are for me and He is able, now, to do exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond anything I can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20) then I am asking and imagining true healing.

I don’t want any of this functional crap. I want the real thing and if the real thing means I’m dysfunctional for the next year until I can truly get some healing then so be it. I want THE REAL THING. I’m not settling for less, Exclamation Point!