Truth

God is good.

He has put this simple truth in front of me a million and twenty times in the last week of complete blackness. He tells me over and over in His Word that HE IS GOOD. It is written on the wall of my entry way as big as Dallas.

The LORD is good. His love endures forever. – Ps 100:5

Romans 3 tells me of His righteousness, that He is fair and just, ALWAYS.

How Father, how can this be true? How can this be true when I watched my son die 44 days ago? When I walk the hall to my bedroom and feel the piercing absence as I see an empty crib A THOUSAND TIMES A DAY?!?!

How Father? How?

I’ve been screaming this question, flinging my anger and hurt at Him, running from Him for days. I was terrified. I felt there was no way He could reconcile truth with truth.

Truth 1: My God is ALL POWERFUL. If my God is all powerful then He is always all powerful. If my God is all powerful then either He took Damon’s earthly life Himself or He permitted Satan access to my son’s physical body. There is no separating the two. Either He is omnipotent and omnipresent or he is not! I know that He is. So in the past week I have wrestled with this fact. Damon’s death was either part of God’s passive will, or His active will. My pain, my loss is by my Father’s hand.

Satan is still responsible. Make no mistake. It was Satan who rebelled. It was Satan who brought sin into this world and the wages of sin is death. Satan is evil.

In light of this first truth how can the second stand?

Truth 2: God is good.

He reminded me of something my man said many months ago. Damon had always been sick. Before he went home he had battled ten ear infections, numerous sinus infections and several infections that we never even pin pointed. Because of his constant illness my baby endured so many treatments. I remember having to hold him down while nurses gave him painful antibiotic injections. I cried over him while I did… but I knew. I knew that this option was far better than the other choice. It was horrible but allowing the infection raging in his body to continue would have been so much worse.

God reminded me of the tears that slipped from my eyes over every single procedure. He likened His pain today to mine then. The thing I know about each time my baby had to endure such pain is that for him it was forgotten a moment later. I gathered him in my arms the instant I could and he was happy, surrounded by my love. For me, however, the pain went on. The pain of watching my child suffer stayed with me long after he had forgotten.

He also reminded me that the choice I made to hold my son down while someone hurt him was with information and understanding my child could not fathom. All he knew was it hurt. I made the choice that was best for him, even when it meant some pain.

Will pointed out months before Damon died that this was helping us understand God. Our painful difficult choices were helping us fathom, with a tiny sliver of recognition, why God’s choices may seem to make no sense. Particularly when they cause pain.

I don’t pretend to understand the mind of God. Not even kind of, not even close but He has at times allowed me moments enveloped in His heart. He cannot be separated from His goodness. He cannot be separated from His Godness. Both are truth.

Truth doesn’t stop being truth when my heart is torn. God is truth. God is good. I have to trust that He made the right choice.

I know it was not something done flippantly. I know it was agonizing. I know. Because if even we who are sinful know how to give our children good things how much more will our heavenly father who is good give good things (Matt 7:11)?

I have often said that I believe God designed us the way He did, to parent and love our children so wholly, so that we might in some small measure understand His love for us. How huge His love must be and if that is true, how immense His hurt must be.