and the greatest of these

In the weeks following Damon’s death thoughts came and went in disjunct spurts and swirls. Most of what happened in my head was incoherent or thought was entirely absent in the presence of the screaming pain. One thought I clearly remember: my fear that I would never feel love again. I knew love. I was afraid I would never feel it again.

My man and I have something special. We had to fight hard for us. We battled destructive ways of thinking, learned to lay down our pride and had to submit to healing of some potentially fatal wounds, some inflicted by each other, some by others. By the time we stood in front of friends and family and exchanged rings we had gotten real in ways I believe some couples haven’t in thirty years of marriage. We love. We love hard and deep and strong and we mean it when we say “I love you.”

We are crazy about each other. We drive each other crazy! And we are crazy about each other.

When Damon died I feared this died with him. I knew I loved Will. There was never a question in my mind if I loved him. I knew I needed him. I literally could not go anywhere without him. He had to come in the bathroom with me when I showered for goodness sake! I knew I needed him. I was afraid our madly, wildly in love was gone. I couldn’t feel it.

Then one day, I don’t remember when or how, I felt it. I felt that beautiful familiar glow. Love. Agape love, yet another gift from my Father. True love.

This morning my man, my covenant partner, my rock (little “r”) looked at me with love in his eyes and said “You’re so beautiful.” I thought, now that’s some agape right there!

In the past weeks his wife has not worn a stich of makeup, she hasn’t done her hair and there rarely passes a stretch of hour upon hour when her eyes are not puffy from tears. My man’s shoulders have been watered with buckets of salt streams and just about every shirt he owns has been good and snot smeared. This morning was no exception. When he looked at me and said “You’re so beautiful” it was on the heels of yet another morning of sobs. I was not beautiful. I assure you. Neither was he lying.

This got me thinking about love. I rolled the word over in my mind and God brought me 1 Corinthians 13:13

Now these three remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I did a little mental back pedal. How can the greatest of these be love? My faith is my shield. My faith is everything. It is what I cling to.

Why do you have faith child? …

Because I love! BECAUSE I KNOW YOUR LOVE!!!

Whoa… God and I had a whoa moment this morning. On the heels of my kicking and screaming and fighting and biting He granted me a whoa moment. Isn’t He just so GOD?

I trust Him (have faith) because I know His love. Because it was He who wooed me from the pit. It was He who healed my wounds (Ps 103). It is He who faithfully walks beside me every single step in this pain (Heb 13:5). It is He who feels every ache and who collects every tear (Ps 56:8). I am His and HE IS MINE.

I can trust Him because I know His heart… because the greatest of these is love.