Wrath

I’ve always identified with Jacob a little bit (Gen 32:22-31). While speculation swirls over his night of “wrestling with God” my stubborn mind understood it perfectly. God wrestled with Jacob because Jacob needed to wrestle. Jacob needed to completely wear himself out, to expend every ounce of energy in his body, to express the angst in his mind.

Last night I wrestled with God. My eyes popped open at 4am, gut-wrenching hospital images swimming before my eyes. I felt as if I were paralyzed. I could barely breathe for the pain, the terror and then… the fury exploded in my chest. WHY?!?!!!! I’m so mad I could puke.

I went round and round with God, question after question after question. It has been spinning inside my head, gaining momentum, making me sick for days now. I believe He woke me just to have this conversation, just to allow me to scream into the silence, to wrestle myself into exhaustion.

At some point I had finally emptied myself of the vitriol spinning in my heart and He granted me sleep. He knew I had to get it out of me. He wouldn’t allow it to poison my soul.

I wish I were like Jacob. I wish I could spend one night fighting, get a name change and not have to go back to Peniel night after night after night to vomit up the anger, hurt and confusion. I am not. God and I are locked in this for the long haul. He bound Himself to me with the blood of His son. He’s never going to leave me, even when part of me wishes He would just go and let me give up. I’m so tired…

Someone I know recently told me that a godly individual who they greatly respect told them that they are not “allowed” to be mad at God. I almost threw my phone across the room. WHAT?

I don’t know about you but I cannot “not be” mad. How exactly do you do that? Anger is an emotion. There are several options when it comes to anger: stuff it deep down and pretend it isn’t there (is this “not being” mad?); express it in destructive ways outside of Holy Spirit imbibed self-control; take it to God and let Him deal with it.

When I think of anger Ephesians 4:26 plays in my ears. I like the way the KJV translates it best because I, personally in my very limited knowledge, think it holds closest to the original Greek.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath

   

So when you’re mad, don’t sin. The next part I think gets quoted at spouses a lot “don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” In my personal experience the only way to not let the sun go down on my wrath is to take it to my Father. If I stuff it and pretend it’s not there, it’s not any less there and now it’s a great big Satan foothold.

So yes, when I look like I’ve been up all night, it’s because I’ve been up all night. I don’t know where or how this season of grief will evolve but I know anger is NOT how I want to live the rest of my life. So, exhausted, burning, hurting, screaming I will keep bringing it to Him, until there is none left to bring.