Run

I run.

I love to run. I’m an addict. No, seriously, I’m an addict.

Often, in my life before the searing tearing pain, my man would look at me with raised eyebrows and ask “love, do you need to go for a run?” First, let me make it clear that he is the only human being on the planet that can get away with that. Second, I knew it meant I was being irrational, intolerable, or just plain pissy.

I would run and apparently return a new woman.

I tried to run a few weeks ago. I had no delusions that the skies would clear but my body ached for the familiarity and my mind needed the release. I hit the road, expecting after the first mile or so to feel the familiar rush of endorphins and at least a slight lift in the ever present black.

Instead I was met with a sharp stabbing pain in my right knee. Wait? My right knee? Ugh! But my left knee is my bad knee!!

I run with my left knee heavily braced. I have no idea what’s wrong with it but the brace works so I just go with it. I was a multi-sport athlete all through high school. I endured two painful surgeries followed by months of immobilization and then physical therapy to repair damage from playing basketball on torn rotator cuffs for two years. I’ve twisted, turned or sprained every joint in my body. It comes with the territory. So, I’m used to ignoring the pain. Usually it passes after a while but this was not passing. It was growing. Finally I sat on a curb in front of Applebees, ripped off my shoes and sat there and cried. Really God? REALLY?

I was sure my knee was blown. The pain was UNREAL. Surely something was bad, bad wrong.

Nope. My friendly neighborhood orthopedist (AKA a very kind friend who is also a very competent physician) assured me that this is an “overuse injury.” One of the bands of tissue in my leg extends over a place where the bone protrudes slightly (mine slightly more than most). When I run that band pops back and forth over the protuberance, so it gets really sore. Fabulous.

He also assured me that I am not further damaging it when I run. It just hurts like all… well, you know.  

After a week and half (I think) of carefully following his instructions to reduce the inflammation and yogaing myself into all sorts of crazy positions I hit the road today.

Half mile…good

Mile one…good

Mile one and a half… oh crap

Mile two… OOOOOUCH!

I tell you all of this because I feel like God taught me something today. Don’t get me wrong, my knee is screwed up because it’s screwed up but I know He will teach in any situation through any circumstance if I will be a willing pupil. Today He used my blasted knee.

It’s really crazy to me that my knee can hurt that bad and I’m not ripping some ligament to shreds with every step but it’s true. So when the pain started I had a choice. I could sit down on the curb, yank my shoes off and cry or I could keep running.

I gritted my teeth, kept my eyes forward and I ran. Mostly because I’m stubborn like that and because I’m sick of not getting to run. I’m entirely sure that I looked ridiculous. The pain was so bad that much of the time I was almost dragging my right leg. Likely tomorrow it will be tender and hard to walk, the muscles that I had to strain in uncomfortable directions to compensate for my awkward gate will be sore and tender as well. Tomorrow will be rough.

So, here I am. Everything hurts. Living without Damon hurts. Getting up in the morning hurts, so much more than any words could begin to describe.

Am I going to throw myself down on the curb, rip off my shoes and scream at God? Yes, some days I will. Some days I do…

But I’m so sick of not getting to run. So some days I will lace up my Mizunos, pop in my head phones, rock out to my praise music and RUN. It’s going to look awkward and the pain will be beyond severe. Most people won’t understand why I’m dragging one leg behind or why the next day and probably the day after I can barely lift my body.

You see, I’m learning to use my “body” again. Nothing works how it used to and everything hurts but still some days I will run.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Heb 12:1