I don’t understand. I sat in the back yard today. The sun was warm. I had finally pulled myself out of the black. It took the whole morning and half of the afternoon but finally I was able to speak, to move. I sat on my back porch and watched a reel play in my head, Damon giggling and bouncing on the trampoline, Damon climbing onto the table for the umpteenbillionth time, Damon digging in the dirt, Damon.
Again, I cried. I wish I could explain the pain but you’ll never understand. I hope you won’t.
I keep crying out to God. He is not silent. I asked Will this morning “It’s ok with God for me to grieve. Why can’t it be ok with everyone else?” It feels like people want to fix me, as if I’m fixable. God has promised me healing. I don’t mean in the “big guy in the sky” kind of way. He has whispered into my heart a promise. He will heal me, but it’s not time yet.
Undoubtedly He is already at work but it is going to take a long time. No matter how dark each day is, no matter how I feel I’ve committed to do the Bible study He picked for me. He is speaking directly to my fears, answering every question. When I think of all of His power of who He is…
I’m amazed.
Not by His power (though that is amazing) but by His heart.
Every time I find myself standing in amazement at my Father, the all-powerful God of the universe, I feel a little sheepish. How many times, Jodie? How many times has He shown you His glory? How many times has He met you on your knees and sung words of healing into your heart? How many times? Too many to count. It’s as if I expected Him to change. My world was rocked, my heart is torn, my arms are empty; He is still the great I AM. He is still exactly who He is. The storm rages all around me; He stands firm. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” He means it.
Thank you so much Jodie. I kept checking all day to see if you had written anything yet. We continue to pray. I do not wish this torment you experience on anyone, while simultaneously being in awe as you worship our Creator through your pain. We are not forgetting. I never met Damon, but I won't forget. I really won't forget.
ReplyDeleteI lost someone once. Not a child. But something I learned is to never let anyone take away your grief. I was glad for you the day you screamed. Your grief is something entrusted by the Lord just to you. And between the two of you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteJodie, you are amazing--always have been and always will be. My heart goes out to you every day as I read your brutally honest, transparent words. You are so much stronger and braver than you realize. And you take as much time to grieve as you need. there is no time schedule. My love and continued prayers, Patti Hogue
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