Home

Today we are going back to the house. I can’t bring myself to call it “home.” That word hurts. Home is where your family lives, where you raise your babies, a place filled with laughter and memories. I was always absolutely determined to make our home exactly that, safe. I grew up singing “this world is not my home, I’m just a passing through.” To be most candid heaven was sort of an intangible, ethereal place. I wanted to go there but mostly because I didn’t want to go to hell. Streets of gold and all that didn’t really appeal to me. I wanted to watch my babies grow up, to go to basketball games, graduations and hold my grandbabies, then I would be ready. My entire view of the world has changed. Partially because I want to hold Damon again, because I want to see him so desperately but also because I’ve finally clearly realized something. This world is not my home. My Father did not create me to suffer, to lose, to cry until I nearly throw up.

When the doctors told us how bad it was, when they told us there was no hope we cried out “No! Take me instead!” I recently heard a lesson by one of my favorite bible teachers. She explained that God looks past the desire of our heart to the heart of our desire. That may just seem like semantics but today, to me it makes perfect sense. Days after Damon went home I realized that my abba gave me exactly what I had begged for over and over on my knees. He made sure Damon went home, he protected my child. He certainly did not do this in the way I expected or the way I wanted! But that is exactly what He did. I would rather miss him, ache, hurt, lose sleep every second for the rest of my life than for that precious baby to suffer. God gave me the heart of my desire. I’ve often told Isaiah when he tells me things aren’t fair, when he tells me I’m too strict “I’m a lot more interested in you becoming a man of God than your life being easy.” Well, there it is.

This doesn’t make anything easy. Today, and likely tomorrow and the next day and the next, will be pure torture but I’ll take it because one day I’m going home.