This morning sucks. Will is at work. I needed to get Isaiah up and ready, to his allergy shot appointment then to school. This morning sucks. I woke before Isaiah did. I talked myself out of bed, got as far as the bathroom and full on retreated. Back under the covers all I had to do was think and , you guessed it, thinking sucks. Back out of bed... breathe Jodie, just breathe. I found clothes and tried to roust Isaiah from his covers. Apparently he is having a rough morning, too. The doorbell rings. My precious friend is here to walk through the nightmare of this morning with me. Thank God, I couldn't do this alone. Breathe Jodie, just breathe.
Monday's... Mondays suck. Sunday night and Monday. You'd think it would be Tuesday, we removed the ventilator on Tuesday but it's not. Sunday night holds memories of pacing, pacing, pacing. Please God, bring his fever down. Baby boy, you're so hot. ER... Just a virus... Thank you God.
Monday... The pediatricians office... There's something really wrong. Hospital, nurses, can't find a vein... He's so dehydrated. Scary procedures... Singing... Singing to my baby. Meningitis? Ambulance... PICU... Clear CT! Oh God... No, no, no. We knew, we knew he was gone. We prayed for a miracle, we begged. Tuesday we had to let go...
This morning I had to be mom. I had to take my living child to get the medicine he needs every single Monday morning. A repeat, a reminder of the morning my entire world was torn. I couldn't drive. Thank you God for precious friends. I couldn't walk into that office. Thank you God for friends.
Jesus, come soon.
Sweet Jodie, for five months the 13th haunted me. Its memories of tragedy were more than I could bare. I say this to let you know the sixth month, the 13th came and went and the loss of that day was not my focus. The life I loved and the life I will see again was my joy. Not soon, it never feels soon, but one day this pain will subside. The missing, the tragedy doesn't go away but easier to bare, easier to tread. Please use easier in the lightest of its meaning.
ReplyDeleteNo trumpets in the darkness of today's morning...maybe tomorrow my friend!
My prayers are written in orange for you this Monday morning!