Thank you

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all generations for ever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21

Baby girl, will you believe that I am able?

He spoke this message over me this morning. The challenge is to believe that He is able, not in a year or two years or when I finally get to go home, but now. In the midst of the impossible, now.

Satan comes at me at night, in the moments when I must face the quiet before sleep mercifully takes me. He repeats back to me every doubt and every question I have ever had. He tells me that the pain will never end, that my God cannot possibly be the One I have come to know and to love over the past two years.

Last night was particularly horrific. The anguish has begun to take me in the evening. I sob. I wail. I can’t stand or speak. Will holds me, for hours sometimes and the tears pour onto his chest in quantities I didn’t think physiologically possible. In the midst of his own torment my husband holds me.

When the tears finally slowed and conscious thought returned the onslaught began. Questions, doubt, fear, pain. I cried out. God, I need You. I need You. I need You. I need something tangible, something firm.

You know I’ve been held together by my brothers and sisters, by my church. I’ve been astounded at how often one of them has known, just at the right moment and responded to a call placed on their hearts. Many times over the last weeks I’ve received an apologetic text that goes something like “God just kept laying this scripture on my heart. It doesn’t seem to fit. I don’t want to hurt you but He just wont leave it alone.” It fits. He knows.

Last night through a similar situation, using sweet sisters, He brought clarity and silenced Satan. I love how God can do that. If I will listen He can shut Satan up, nothing stands against truth.

I think one of Satan’s favorite tactics is the “it’s none of my business” line. Don’t get me wrong. There are people for whom my anguish is none of their business. If you want to preach, condemn, judge or ridicule then you’re right, it’s none of your business, ever, anywhere. But God uses your love, your honest genuine openness and your willingness to obey. He uses you to heal, strengthen and support me. You are His hands and feet. You have formed a tight wall of support around my brokenness, around my wounds and that is no accident. It’s by design.

Thank you.