Black

I really thought I could handle this. Not the big ‘this’ but today this. Today is a black black black day. I’ve had two Tsunami days in a row. After the tears and talks of this morning I thought the black would lift. It didn’t. If anything it deepened.

Will has to attend graduation (cap, gown, hood and all… he is reportedly very hot) so I tagged along to the town where he teaches about an hour away. I like it here. There are no memories and no one knows me. I don’t risk running into someone and having that awkward exchange where I don’t participate in the societal posturing.  I can just be black. Today I need to be black.

I explored, got lost and drove around in circles trying to find the little coffee shop my smarter-than-me iPhone had told me about. I pulled into an empty parking space in front of the store and out walk two people, each carrying baby blue gift bags.

Are. You. Freaking. Kidding Me?!

WHO HAS A BABY SHOWER AT A COFFEE SHOP???!!!!!

I really wanted to hate them. I really wanted to hate the baby blue bags and the people carrying them and the obnoxiously trendy coffee shop for hosting a baby shower. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just don’t have it in me.

So here I sit drinking my half calf, whipped, stupid-named caffeine concoction listening to the buzz of people talking about all manner of stupid things (everything seems stupid to me these days). Why did I come in? It took me an hour to find this place! Why did I stay? This stupid coffee and scone cost $6! So here I sit. Fuming.

I’ve been furious all day, the baby shower just added fuel to the fire. I woke up fuming at God this morning. You had the power, You knew it was coming, You didn’t stop it, You didn’t fix it. I’m pissed. I really didn’t have words when I cried to Him but I think that was the gist.

This sucks and I’m mad.

I opened my bible and surveyed the pile of reference books and bible studies that I had lugged in and deposited on the table in front of me. I went to an old favorite and dug in. I didn’t feel like it. I honestly wanted to stay pissed. I have every right to be mad right?  What I want and what I need are often far from aligned these days.

As I searched the bible reading familiar passages and begging God to speak even through my rage I felt the fury begin to seep away exposing the truth underneath… pain. Isn’t it almost always pain fueling anger?

I don’t have a scripture reference for you, just Him. Just Him speaking to my heart a thousand different ways in twenty different passages. His word.

Today is still black, so very very black but I see the light.