Awake

Waking up from the anesthesia is scary and disorienting. I was one of those people who never ever ever watched the news, it was too awful. I didn’t watch sad or scary movies. The sad ones made me cry (a lot) and the scary ones gave me nightmares. I simply turned everything off that wasn’t part of my world of perfect happiness. I was anesthetized. I looked at this world and saw so much beauty. I was madly in love with my life and I simply couldn’t handle anything negative. The thing is, I’m not home yet.

Slowly over the past few years I’ve begun to feel like a character in one of those freaky sci-fi movies that wakes up from some sort of virtual reality and can’t convince everyone else that what they’re seeing isn’t real. March 27^th I was confronted full force with the reality of this world and it’s ugly.

We’ve been lulled into believing we have that we aren’t at war. We’re shocked when someone we love dies unexpectedly as if there aren’t concussion grenades going off all around us, as if this is the final stop. Satan has us believing that we have time. We are blind to the signs everywhere that say ‘Danger ahead.’ We’re blind because we choose to be blind. Because if we choose to see the reality of the blackness of this world that means we have to live like strangers. No one wants to live like a stranger.

God tells us over and over that this life is rough and that we have no idea when it will be over. For a long time I walked around like that particular part of His Word was just a filler between the verses about hope and love. It’s not filler. God doesn’t waste anything, least of all words and if he repeats a concept it’s for a reason.

For the first time I really really want to go home. I finally see that I am a stranger here, that whatever beauty He has lavished on us here is just a shadow of home. I want to go home and while I’m here I want to walk with Him as closely as possible.

Today I studied Enoch. God says Enoch walked faithfully with Him and that Enoch pleased Him (Gen 5, Heb 11). The author of my study says this: God appears to have enjoyed Enoch’s company so much He saved him the trouble of dieing…Enoch walked with God for 300 years until, one day, God just walked him home. Apparently, they didn’t pass a cemetery on the way.

My eyes welled with tears as I read this. I want that! I want my God to enjoy my company!! I want to know Him and to love Him and to please Him. Can you imagine? I know in His company I find peace in the storm. I know He has taught me who I am. I know I love Him but sometimes I think I forget that He loves me, to think that He enjoys my company?! I want that. I want that always until my father walks me home.