Now

Today has been orange. I got up, showered, spent time alone with my Father and talked with a good friend all before noon. Against the heart crushing reality that is my life this is a huge victory. As I write this I sit on my couch in the early evening positively exhausted, aching for my son but floating in the truth that this day held something for me other than pain.

Yesterday God confronted me with Himself, with His ableness. He asked me, do you believe that I am able, NOW. I realized that I had been hunkered down, folded completely in on myself waiting for the storm to pass instead of opening myself up to Him, to His profound and unequaled ablility. He is able. I think until that moment I wasn’t believing Him. I wasn’t believing that there was anything He could do in my now. I believed He was here. I believed at some point in the distant future I would rejoice in Him again but it hadn’t even occurred to me to expect something of my almighty God NOW. I’m glad my abba doesn’t get frustrated with me because I get frustrated enough for the both of us.

I am a living breathing miracle. In my bible study today I was in Ephesians. I was studying the way Paul seems to fall all over himself trying to describe the glorious inheritance we receive as children of the Most High (I just got all tingly as I wrote ‘Most High’). I can hear his excitement, his breathlessness. He’s screaming, don’t you get it!?! My study asked which of the promises God describes through Paul is easiest for me to accept. It was a no brainer for me “according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us.” I remember my pit. I know His grace.

Yet, here I am again, relearning the same lesson. HE IS ABLE.

This morning I opened my eyes to a new sensation, hope. I’ve known every step of this journey that I had hope. I’ve held onto the hope I knew I had in Jesus with white knuckled intensity but I didn’t feel anything but blinding pain. This morning I felt hope and it’s all because of faith. It’s because my Father, Lord Most High, El Roi, Jehovah jireh reminded me who He is. He reminded me that He is able.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I know He gave me enough for today.